YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK HERE.

Ray Tolbert – Copywriter

 

You don’t want to work here.

 

This is a weird thing to say

in a company’s blog but,

I mean it.

 

This probably isn’t the place for you.

 

We can be loud.

And eerily quiet.

We’re demanding.

And we’re not hand holders.

We’ll get you hooked

on fancy carbonated water.

And we don’t have a ping pong table (anymore.)

 

And we’re going to make you stand on a table,

 

naked.

 

Not literally.

 

That’s wrong and against the law.

 

But, if you’re a creative here,

that’s what it’ll feel like.

 

Exposed,

vulnerable,

with nothing but the words or images

to shield you from judgment.

 

Oh, did we forget to mention that there will be judgment?

 

There will be judgment.

 

And there’s no hiding here — no pulling your hat down low

and scrunching down in the back.

No holding still like a statue

hoping not to draw attention your way.

Your lack of movement does not hide you from us.

We’re not T-Rexes.

 

We’re writers, and artists, and developers,

and poets, and fishermen, and bikers,

and musicians, and athletes, and gamers,

and curmudgeons, and breaths of fresh air,

and we’re judging the shit out of your work right now.

 

And if you weren’t already happy you don’t work here,

know this,

we can smell half-assness.

 

Our spidey-sense tingles around derivative BS.

And most terrifying, (for you) we know when you’re settling,

and we’re not impressed you thought

you could pass that weak sauce off on us.

 

That’s why we’re going to push you.

 

Not literally,

again, that’s wrong and against the law.

 

We’re going to ask you to do it again,

but smarter, funnier, with more emotion,

more authentic, more on strategy,

you know what, forget the strategy.

We’re going to ask you,

“what are you trying to say?”

and you better have an answer.

And at the end of the day,

we’re going to have you start over

and do it again and again,

and again.

 

We don’t do this to be mean.

Or because we enjoy it.

We do this because you’re one of us.

And here, we do great work.

And we will continue to do great work.

And most importantly (for you)

you will do great work.

 

And the next time you step up on that table

and rip off your clothes (metaphorically)

and enthusiastically show off your idea/copy/website,

you can defiantly say,

“JUDGE AWAY MOTHERFUCKERS!”

 

And we will.

 

Of course, that’s only if you want to work here.

 

Which you probably don’t.